As children, we were often told to “shut up and pay attention” by our teachers. As our teachers didn’t properly teach us what they meant by this, this is something we are still today actively trying to teach employees, and management alike. Due to our teachers’ failure at sharing how to properly engage in communications that require reciprocity, and since most of our parents weren’t even trying in actively instilling this in us, this has resulted in severe communication issues in the workplace.

So let us restart what our teachers were trying to do, and begin by pointing out that what our teachers really meant was; “Please use active listening while I speak, and engage with me accordingly”.

Although, to be fair, “shut up and pay attention” does sound catchier.

What is Active Listening?

Surprisingly enough, active listening is not an inherent trait in all human beings. It’s something that needs to be explained and even taught for us to be able to engage in such a manner.

Active listening isn’t just about letting words enter one’s ears and hearing what those words say. That’s what you do when you’re watching a TV show or a film, and don’t need to – nor care to – respond to whatever is happening on the screen. Active listening goes deeper than that.

Active listening isn’t even about what you will respond with, as for active listening, your response is not a necessary part of the equation.

In normal conversations, we listen to words, grab their meaning, and form responses on the fly. Our main agenda is usually to get our point across, to finish something, or to just engage with the other person. Our agenda isn’t to genuinely and completely take the other person’s words in and allow for their message to integrate with our minds.

So for active listening, replace these two things accordingly:

• • “Listening to words as they are said to grab meaning of single words” should be replaced with “Take in the entire communication to comprehend the entire message that is being conveyed and understand the big picture.”

• • “Respond with your meaning” should be replaced with “comprehend and integrate message into your mind”.

Essentially, while you gossip, banter with loved ones, or just aimlessly discuss something irrelevant, you can absolutely keep doing what you’re doing right now. Nobody cares if what is being said is being considered or not.

But when entering into communications about something that matters, either in the workplace, with your spouse or family, or with friends or even strangers – when you truly need to consider the other person’s message- active listening is the way to go.

Steps to Active Listening

Generally, we are taught two steps to active listening:

1. 1. Shut up.

1. 1. Listen.

As these two steps have not been capable of engaging more individuals in active listening, something must be amiss, so further steps have been introduced to better explain the internal process that should be happening during active listening:

1. 1. Shut up.
   2. Listen for total meaning.
      
      • • There are two things you should be noting here, the content of the message, and the underlying feelings/attitude (yes, you will need to be empathetic, no, we do not go into what empathy is nor how to be empathetic in this article).

1. 1. Note all cues.
      
      • • Communications aren’t just in the form of words. You must include non-verbal communication as well, such as facial/body expressions, tone of voice, and even speed of speech and what words are chosen.

1. 1. Respond to feelings behind the message.
      
      • • After the ENTIRE message has been conveyed (not just when you’re tired of listening, but when the individual is actually done), your job is to respond to the feelings/attitude of what was said – NOT just the message itself. And yes, you will have to do so authentically with the other person’s well being in mind (not just say what you think they want to hear!).

Why This is Important

The purpose of active listening isn’t to learn about somebody’s day, or what their favorite color is. Active listening is to hear where the other person is coming from with their message, where they are going with it, and what they want out from it. The purpose is to foster a positive change between the individuals engaging in the communication.

One of the biggest issues workplaces face is from interpersonal communications, often from management to employees. But communication isn’t a one way street. Employees also need to be able to properly communicate their needs and wishes in the workplace to their manager, to be able to receive the necessary support and empowerment to do their jobs – which is where active listening becomes golden within the workplace.

Active Listening Skills

Okay, so shutting up and listening isn’t enough. One must also be able to respond in a proper manner. The following communication behavior are helpful while engaging in active listening:

• Ask for clarifications if there is anything you don’t fully understand – without focusing on insignificant details that stop you from understanding the big picture.
  • Comprehension should be paramount to the entire message, not just details within the message.
  • Don’t take it personally if the other person points out that your question is missing the big picture – this is clarification on the matter and helps you understand what the other person feels is important.
• Encourage the speaker to communicate more.
  • Remember: The purpose of active listening isn’t to let them talk and then get your turn, it isn’t even about getting the communication done. It’s about making a positive connection.
• Ask open-ended questions to help the other individual continue with their message.
• Paraphrase what the other person said to ensure you fully got the message.
• Be patient! A message you could give in one sentence might take another person paragraphs to convey. Allow the other person to speak using their preferred words and speed without interruptions.
• Positive intentions should be held towards the person who is conveying the message.
• Take notes if circumstances allow of it, this can help if the message is long or complicated, and in certain settings it helps show interest and engagement.
• Undivided attention should be given to the person speaking.
• Withhold judgment while the communication is taking place – and even after. Allow the other person the safe space necessary to fully get their message across.
• After the other person finishes, summarize the message to make sure the entire message was received and properly understood.

When in Doubt

As mentioned earlier, active listening isn’t something we are inherently prone to do. It is a technique that needs to be taught – even actively trained – in order to be able to effectively use it. If you either do not have your old teacher’s contact information, or feel that they somehow will not be able to aid you in properly learning and internalizing this skill, you’re welcome to use the contact form to request assistance on the matter.